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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Dec 25, 2010 23:51:10 GMT -5
her eyes searched his wildly, looking for words and an answer. "i have protected myself since i was born...created...whatever... i don't need anyone to take care of me. i just want someone to rely on. someone to hold in the middle of the night when nightmares plague my mind and the voices scream for me to kill, kill, kill. i'm a murderess in the making. you're death, relying on a bloody rock. how can i make you understand? nothing about me is beautiful. how can i make you understand? nothing in this worlds is beautiful to me sometimes. i don't like to watch the leaves fall with a deathly beauty that comes in autumn. i don't often like to watch snowflakes cover the ground with white innocence. i don't like to watch people grow up, grow old, living a life i will never be able to have, because of this entangling snare of emotions living in me for eternity. how can i make you understand how much it would hurt me, the entire pack, to stumble across your body, bled out by your own choice? if you even think of that, then we have failed you. i have failed you. how can i make you understand?" she cried, the swirl of emotions never quite deciding on one to settle on. she clutched her head with one hand, shaking her head slightly side to side. the insanity that danced at the edge of her irises enveloped them, taking over any emotion that was there. she stormed over to the rock with a steady stride, picking it up and slicing it down her wrist without hesitation. she held it out, watching Casper with icy eyes. "how can i make you understand, if not to show you. imagine our rolls reversed, with your crimson life pouring out of your neck instead of your wrist. frozen to that spot as the one you love, you trust, you cherish, dies, by their own hands? how can i make you understand, that if you die, i would follow you soon after?" she asked, the blood slipping down and making a soft splash on the leaves below the wrist. her face showed no physical pain, but far too much mental anguish. "how?"
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Post by Cheyenne on Dec 26, 2010 0:05:51 GMT -5
Casper shook his head. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach. He realized how easy it would be for Her to come and to irreparable damage. How quickly Tori would walk into it. It would be all his fault too.
...Lather the blood on your hands, Romeo...
His eyes went wide with horror as he watched his girlfriend slash the rock over her own wrist. It only took an instant for him to be up and his hand closing around the hand in which Tori held up the jagged rock. His fingers held it tenderly but firmly. "Please, stop this." he requested quietly, looking into her eyes. He was struck by the raw emotion that such brought forth. He gulped and sighed. Tori was right. He hated it, but she was right. It made him angry, but she was right.
Why does she care so much? She shouldn't. No one cares about you. You aren't even worth caring for. It shouldn't matter.
Years of training were coming back. The thoughts that had been etched deeply into his mind since before he could remember. "Look, none of this is of any of your control. The universe is totally random and unpredictable. People are the same way. So don't bring stuff like that up. My suicidal tendencies are my own. No one has failed me except myself. And I'm willing to do that." he suddenly lashed out, without warning, pushing Tori away emotionally. "My death is inconsequential. Don't be stupid to waste your damned life over it. Were it not for a traitor, we wouldn't have even met." He let go of her hand, but with him, he took the rock and stormed over to his bag, rummaging through it until he found a bottle of alcohol. Rum. He needed some quite desperately now. However, with him, he took a first aid kit. He set the rum down on the ground, taking Tori's arm gently and without another word as he sanitized the wound and bandaged it up. "Please don't hurt yourself to prove a point to me." he requested, his voice soft, yet tight with anger still. Once finished, he took the bottle of rum and then had his drink.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Dec 28, 2010 23:21:19 GMT -5
"no. your death at this moment, is in your hands. if not for that traitor, no, we wouldn't have met. but we have. and i've fallen for you. and if it were a choice between the death of you and i, i would lay down my life to let you live. your death would kill us all on the inside. don't think that we don't care about you. don't think that i don't care about you. i can't seem to make you understand how much i really DO care. i care enough to follow you to the ends of the earth, to not have given up for months, to slice my wrist open without a second thought, to try over and over again to help you." she took his face in her hand, caressing the cheek. pain and anguish splashed over the insanity that had frozen her eyes. "if you keep pushing me away, no one can help you. please, stop pushing me away. i can help make the pain go away, and if i can't, you will at least have someone to hold you in the middle of the night when the nightmares show their ugly heads and you wake up screaming and crying because the past decided to pop in and say hello." she said, a tear slipping out of her eye.
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Post by Cheyenne on Dec 28, 2010 23:28:56 GMT -5
Casper closed his eyes, blinking back tears. Unconsciously, he leaned in forward a bit more. He shook his head slightly. "No, you can't. You just think you do." he murmured, yet his voice seemed to recite another's words and not his own. "I just not lovable. I'm not even likable. I'm not a man, or strong, or dashing, or anything like that...Sh-she said so." he choked out. He was referring to his mother, who had told him from a young age repeatedly of how worthless he was. The woman who was supposed to love him unconditionally, no matter. what. "I'm nobody. I'm just a Freudan nerd. Some burden..." He choked, and burried his face in Tori's shoulder, suddenly holding on to her tightly, as if for dear life, while his shoulders shook with tears.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Dec 29, 2010 12:56:05 GMT -5
she held onto him, sitting down and holding him close, stroking his hair and his back. "no, whoever said that is a lying bitch. you're smart, you're kind, you're strong, and i think i love you." she murmured in her ear. "some people are horrible liars, making people feel like shit for their own gain. that person who said that, is one of them. why would you believe something so horrendusly false?" she asked soothingly, anger and compassion fighting in her eyes, anger fighting to dominate to kill this person and compassion wanting to make the pain in Casper's heart go away.
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Post by Cheyenne on Dec 29, 2010 14:14:52 GMT -5
"M-my...my..." Casper trailed off, his shoulders shaking still. The word was stuck in his throat. He couldn't say it. Saying it would make it even more real and add kindling to the fire. It wasn't real, wasn't true. Couldn't be. It was his mother. Biological, yes. But she had done so many things that no mother ever should have to anyone, let alone her own son. But that was it, wasn't it? That was proof. Proof he was unable to be liked, unable to be loved. If his own mother hated him, how could Tori not? Was it really possible that she did? That someone actually cared for him? That she wasn't just putting up with him because he could psychoanalyze people? He didn't think that love could be possible for him, but wondered if it indeed was possible that he - a loathesome coward as he was - could be loved. This felt like love. She was holding him like it was love. Her touch was so soft and gentle - something he had never known from anyone, least of all a woman. Delicate fingers only proved more meticulous in torture. But this was different. "My...mom...she said so." he finally admitted, giving name and reality to the stranger woman who had always plagued his mind and memories, known merely as "She" or "Her." "If my own mother couldn't love me, how could you?" he asked outloud.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Dec 29, 2010 15:13:09 GMT -5
"because, i'm not her. apparently, she was not very motherly to you. biological or not, means nothing if she does not act motherly." Tori whispered, kissing him softly. "this, what we have, is love. and no bitch who decided to raise you without love is not going to break you." she said, kissing him again. "i think i have enough love for you to make up for what she didn't do." she murmured, more to herself than to him. her eyes swirled with emotions; anger, agony, rememberance, pain, compassion, love, admiration. and the insanity that always lurked at the corners.
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Post by Cheyenne on Dec 29, 2010 15:15:09 GMT -5
Casper, despite his tears, couldn't help but laugh. "Understatement of the year." he murmured in response to her first comment. He shakily sat up on his own, but returned to hug Tori and continue to lean on her a bit. "Sorry...for scaring you. And thank you." he murmured, his lips resting on her hair. "I love you too." he said, leaning down to kiss her, albeit not without a slight bit of nervousness.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Dec 31, 2010 19:17:28 GMT -5
she kissed him softly, sensing the nervosness. she held him tightly. "i'll always be here for you, Cas. don't worry. if you feel the need to go to the rock again, come to me instead." she said, trying to lighten his mood, her eyes dancing with joy, hints of anguish and insanity only skirting at the edges.
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Post by Cheyenne on Dec 31, 2010 19:24:24 GMT -5
Casper nodded, feeling a lump in his throat and guilt at the same time. "You shouldn't have to put up with this." he mumured in reply.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Jan 2, 2011 10:47:46 GMT -5
"neither should you." she murmured, stroking his hair and kissing his cheek. she stared into his eyes, watching him and gauging the emotions that played in there. her eyes danced with what was pain, anger, love, and the insanity that never quite left the edge of her eyes.
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Post by Cheyenne on Jan 2, 2011 14:17:31 GMT -5
Casper snorted, smirking bitterly. Unfortunately, the fact is that I do, he thought to himself, but not voicing this opinion. Instead, he broke her gaze to kiss her forehead.
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Jan 3, 2011 22:39:47 GMT -5
she sensed his pain and sighed, nuzzling her face into his shoulder as she felt a wave of insanity splash over her mind. she kissed it, hoping to hide it well. "you have to stop thinking like that." she murmured sadly. ---MEANWHILE---
I stared out of a window, sighing sadly as i stared up at the full, silver moon. a face appeared at the window, and i jumped back, only to realize who it was a moment later. i opened the window. "Xavier? why the fuck are you here?" i snapped. "go! away! now!" "i can't do this, Ven. i love you. i can't let you go. please come away with me." he murmured, grabbing my hand and kissing me softly. "please." i pulled back. "i can't do this. i need to keep you safe. and you're risking your life for what?" i snapped, feeling tears brim. "you." he murmured.
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Post by Cheyenne on Jan 4, 2011 15:19:01 GMT -5
(Awwww. -fuzzy feeling in esophagus- =3 )
Casper sighed. "Rid your body of scars." he stated, as to make an example. "Both are easier said than done." He leaned his head back on a tree and looked up at the stars. His red eyes seemed to glow in the dark and he looked like a lost child for a moment. "She - they - made us do so much and they did so much to us too." he stated, almost unconsciously, yet there was a slight tremor that ran through his body. "They had mass exterminations for the kids they didn't like or deemed useless. But they'd take us all, just for the torture aspect. We were handcuffed and gagged so we couldn't move. A lot of the times, they would even make us choose...who would die." he paused. By his expression, it was clear he was thinking about memories that were at least a decade old, but still vivid and haunting. "By burning. Always by burning. In a big furnace with a window, for everyone to see." he murmured, searching the stars for one last moment before looking down. "My mother...wouldn't let me die. I tried so many times, but somehow, they always brought me back." his fist clenched. "I had to vote on the deaths of so many people. Little kids...Always, they always would cry out, 'mommy' or 'daddy' even though most of the time it was their parent that put them there. Sometimes they'd call out for their siblings or the friend they weren't supposed to have, who would be sitting there, watching and screaming too." he finished, trembling. "How am I supposed to forget that?" he asked weakly. "Or just push back all of it? When I was responsible so many times?...Why should I live when they didn't?"
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Post by illyxmusicxloverx on Jan 12, 2011 0:01:35 GMT -5
"i'm here for you. we'll get through our mental hells together." she whispered, looking at him watching the sky. the insanity dissapeared for a moment before returning full force, almost taking over her eyes. insanity and pain swarmed her eyes, and they widened, a whimper escaping her lips as she was attacked by memories, dragging her from reality as she fell to the floor, curled into a ball and staring blankly ahead, shivering and whimpering. -----MEANWHILE----- "no, no, no, no, no! please. i can't see you hurt anymore. get out of here before you're caught and killed. they made it clear that would be what happened." I begged, stroking his cheek lovingly. "i won't get caught. i had to see you though." he murmured, rubbing his cheek on my hand. "no. please. if you love me, you'll leave." i whispered, tears streaming down my eyes as his execution flashed before my eyes. "i love you. i love you so much, Ven, it hurts." he whispered, rubbing the tears away with his thumb. "if you love me, you'll leave." i said. "i won't get caught. i just wanted to see you one more time before i took the pack somewhere safe before i come back for you." he whispered, stroking my cheek. i kissed his palm. "take care of them. forget me. i can take care of myself." "i can't forget you." he said sadly. "leave before they see you!" i hissed, looking around wildly as i snapped out of it. "now!" he gave me a kiss before jumping back down. "i love you!" he called. "i love you too!" i called back. i shut the window and looked down sadly, wiping my tears away. an envelope laid there. i picked it up and saw the letter V on it in X's handwriting.
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